Impulses - Tuesday, Jan 30, 2024 at 2:14 PM

So here I am, thinking about impulsivity, and it's like waves crashing in my mind, one reckless decision after another. It is this jigsaw, and sometimes I shove the pieces in without looking, without thinking, and wow - the picture, it's all wrong, isn't it? Sideways glances from colleagues because I've put the bars in a place that's, well, offbeat, let's call it that. It's those moments, and I'm sure there was another, right? It's on the tip of my tongue, this... this other thing I did. Hold on, it's swirling around here somewhere, amongst the should've and could've.

And speaking, oh speaking before the reading, before the digesting of words, it ricochets back - an echo of 'wrong', and my gut knots because, yes, that wasn't what they meant at all. It's almost laughable, later, once the cringe fades.

But exercises, strategies, I need to calm this mental storm, to slow the jumps from conclusion to conclusion. Self-awareness, that's the key they say, finding the anchor before the leap. But how? How to still this mental ricochet so that when the impulse comes, it's just a ripple, not a wave carrying me away. Must there be a method to clutch at the fleeting clarity between thoughts? And when the storm of 'next, next, next' hushes, will I finally see the pieces as they are, and place them just right?

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