ADHD in Relationships: Why Does Everything Feel Like Déjà Vu?

Your Brain is a Soap Opera on Repeat

If you’ve got ADHD, you probably know how weird things can get. Like, here’s the scenario: you get mad at someone, right? Maybe it’s something small, maybe not, but you’re mad. And then… whoops, you’re not. You’ve moved on. Your brain’s already jumped to the next thought, like "Did I ever finish that snack in the fridge?"

Honestly, it’s like ADHD gives you this weird ability to just forget being mad, like some emotional superhero who can’t hold a grudge. Not bad, right? You’re back to being chill while other people are still sitting there like, "Wait… what just happened?"

But here’s where it gets tricky—while you’re over it, the problem hasn’t actually been solved. That unfinished fight? It’s still hanging around in the background like an open browser tab you forgot to close. Next time you get mad, BAM, there it is again. Now you’re not just mad, you’re extra mad, and suddenly, this small thing has turned into an epic, never-ending cycle of unresolved drama. You’re frustrated, they’re frustrated, and nobody knows why this same fight is on repeat.

So, what’s really going on here?

You ever stop and think, “Wait, why am I still mad about this thing from two weeks ago?” Yeah, that’s ADHD’s sneaky little game. The emotional stuff you didn’t handle before? It just stacks up, waiting to hit you harder later. It’s not just the other person’s fault—it’s your brain bouncing from one thing to another, leaving emotional loose ends everywhere. ADHD isn’t just about being forgetful or disorganized; it’s about how we manage (or don’t manage) our emotions.

My curiosity took me to research this online and I found Dr. Russell Barkley, who’s an expert on ADHD, and he talks about this a lot. I started looking into his research, and it hit me hard. He explains that ADHD messes with your ability to regulate emotions—so yeah, you do forget why you were mad, but it’s not just “forgetfulness.” It’s more like your brain can’t sit with difficult feelings long enough to process them, so you push them aside and move on, even though the issue is still very much alive.

The Endless Loop of Avoidance

This is where it gets serious. Avoiding emotions feels like the easier option, but it only makes things worse. Trust me. That issue you thought you let go of? It’s just chilling in your subconscious, waiting to rear its ugly head the next time you’re triggered. It turns into this loop where you're not really resolving anything, just burying it for later. The other person is probably confused, wondering why the same thing keeps coming up over and over—and honestly, so are you.

So yeah, avoiding conflict? Not always the best idea. ADHD brains love to bounce away from tough emotional stuff because it’s boring and uncomfortable. But that just makes things harder when those buried feelings come back.

Then I Watched Dr. Russell Barkley on YouTube...

After digging into all of this, I came across a video by Dr. Russell Barkley on emotional regulation in ADHD.

Ok.

Initially, I was just trying to understand more about how ADHD affects emotions, but the video took an unexpected turn. It introduced me to Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), a condition I wasn’t even aware of. Apparently, kids with ADHD are 11 times more likely to develop ODD compared to those without ADHD. This was shocking, and honestly, a little alarming. Roughly 50-67% of children with ADHD will develop ODD, particularly those with more severe symptoms.

Not making sense? Please go back and watch the video

ODD comes with behaviors that might sound extreme—defiance, frequent arguments, and even manipulative tendencies. It’s not just about being forgetful or emotionally unstable anymore; suddenly, it feels like we’re talking about a whole new level of emotional challenge.

The thought of ADHD potentially leading to something like ODD is concerning, especially given how disruptive these behaviors can be to relationships and daily life. It highlights how much deeper the emotional and behavioral challenges can go beyond just "forgetting" to finish a fight.

My Thoughts After Watching the Video

After watching that video, it left me thinking: learning about ODD really opened my eyes to another layer of emotional complexity that might come with ADHD. The symptoms—like arguing, defiance, and sometimes manipulative behavior—are pretty intense, especially when you’re already juggling the challenges ADHD throws at you. It’s hard not to wonder how much of this might affect someone over time.

But it’s important to remember that not everyone with ADHD is going to develop ODD or become this overly defiant person. The fact that ADHD increases the likelihood by 11 times is definitely something to be aware of, but it’s not inevitable. For those with ADHD, 50-67% might develop ODD, which means there’s still a significant portion who don’t.

Awareness is key here. Understanding these potential patterns early on—like recognizing when defiance is creeping in or when emotions aren’t being fully processed—can really help manage the situation. It doesn’t mean it’s a lost cause; it just means there’s more to pay attention to, especially in terms of emotional cycles.

The biggest lesson from this? It’s not enough to "move on" from an argument or issue without fully dealing with the underlying emotions. ADHD may complicate things, but with a bit of mindfulness and better communication, the emotional chaos can be managed.

And after diving into all of this heavy information, taking a break to process it seems like a good idea. Sometimes, it’s just a lot to take in.

-M