ADHD in Relationships: Why Does Everything Feel Like Déjà Vu?

Your Brain is a Soap Opera on Repeat

If you’ve got ADHD, you probably know how weird things can get. Like, here’s the scenario: you get mad at someone, right? Maybe it’s something small, maybe not, but you’re mad. And then… whoops, you’re not. You’ve moved on. Your brain’s already jumped to the next thought, like "Did I ever finish that snack in the fridge?"

Honestly, it’s like ADHD gives you this weird ability to just forget being mad, like some emotional superhero who can’t hold a grudge. Not bad, right? You’re back to being chill while other people are still sitting there like, "Wait… what just happened?"

But here’s where it gets tricky—while you’re over it, the problem hasn’t actually been solved. That unfinished fight? It’s still hanging around in the background like an open browser tab you forgot to close. Next time you get mad, BAM, there it is again. Now you’re not just mad, you’re extra mad, and suddenly, this small thing has turned into an epic, never-ending cycle of unresolved drama. You’re frustrated, they’re frustrated, and nobody knows why this same fight is on repeat.

So, what’s really going on here?

You ever stop and think, “Wait, why am I still mad about this thing from two weeks ago?” Yeah, that’s ADHD’s sneaky little game. The emotional stuff you didn’t handle before? It just stacks up, waiting to hit you harder later. It’s not just the other person’s fault—it’s your brain bouncing from one thing to another, leaving emotional loose ends everywhere. ADHD isn’t just about being forgetful or disorganized; it’s about how we manage (or don’t manage) our emotions.

My curiosity took me to research this online and I found Dr. Russell Barkley, who’s an expert on ADHD, and he talks about this a lot. I started looking into his research, and it hit me hard. He explains that ADHD messes with your ability to regulate emotions—so yeah, you do forget why you were mad, but it’s not just “forgetfulness.” It’s more like your brain can’t sit with difficult feelings long enough to process them, so you push them aside and move on, even though the issue is still very much alive.

The Endless Loop of Avoidance

This is where it gets serious. Avoiding emotions feels like the easier option, but it only makes things worse. Trust me. That issue you thought you let go of? It’s just chilling in your subconscious, waiting to rear its ugly head the next time you’re triggered. It turns into this loop where you're not really resolving anything, just burying it for later. The other person is probably confused, wondering why the same thing keeps coming up over and over—and honestly, so are you.

So yeah, avoiding conflict? Not always the best idea. ADHD brains love to bounce away from tough emotional stuff because it’s boring and uncomfortable. But that just makes things harder when those buried feelings come back.